After wanting to write this blog for about two months, I’ve finally come to the realization that I don’t have to have it all together to share my story.
My weight has always been my BIGGEST insecurity. I’m talking insecure to the point where I didn’t wear shorts for three years of my life because I didn’t want people to see the stretch marks on my legs. I didn’t want to jump or run in front of other people in case they saw my thighs jiggle. I would only wear loose fitting clothes so that nothing would cling to my stomach. No tank tops so no one could see how big my arms looked by my side. No light colors or people might see your armpit sweat. No full length mirrors. No pictures with my legs in them. I would wear leggings 90% of the time because I felt like they were the only thing that made everything look sucked in & snatched.
I couldn’t tell you the last time I stepped on a scale because I don’t want that number lingering in the back of my mind.
I was petrified to do anything out of fear of judgement. I remember one time in fifth grade a group of boys were laughing and looking in my general direction. I immediately assumed they were laughing at me and convinced myself it was because of the way I looked. Looking back on it now, I know it wasn’t at me. I know the enemy was twisting the situation to bring on the self hate. A more recent situation happened at the very beginning of the race when someone made a comment about not wanting bigger people in their hammock. Little comments like these have, still do, and honestly probably will continue to have way bigger of an impact on me than they should.
Like most people I’ve pulled at the rolls on my stomach. Imagined what I would look like with a third of my thighs. Wishing the rest of my body was as small as my ankles were. Contemplated what I would look like if I simply just didn’t eat for a few days. As much as you can tell yourself it’s silly to fantasize about how you could have been created differently, we still do it. I still do it. I’ve cried myself to sleep before because I didn’t have a thigh gap after coming home from a sleepover with my friends who were comparing theirs. I’ve been called fat. on multiple occasions. I’ve been terrified to go zip lining because I didn’t want to step on a scale. or go down a slide because it might break. or sit on a chair in swaziland because it might do the splits underneath my weight. it hurts my heart to say these things are absolutely true. I know it hurts my heavenly dad’s heart that I think these things about myself. or that His other children would use hurtful words to tear down His creation.
I always used to wonder, and still do sometimes, why God created me to be three sizes larger than the average girl. Why me? Why’d you have to choose me? I thought, I’m not beautiful because of my size. How can you say I’m created in your image when I don’t look like everyone else?
The second month of my race I was really struggling with my weight and my identity because of that. During one of my team’s devotionals the question, “what is a lie you’re believing or have believed about yourself?” came up. I didn’t want to share. No part of me wanted to admit that my weight was something I was still struggling with. Seriously, Kate, you’re a missionary and you don’t even like yourself. You can’t even call yourself beautiful. Those lies kept running through my mind as I fought to share. My team could obviously tell that I was struggling and graciously gave me all the time I needed. Tears poured from my face as I admitted the way that I was feeling.
These are LIES. Let me just say it again. THESE ARE LIES FROM THE ENEMY.
He doesn’t want you to be comfortable in your skin. He wants you to pull and grab your skin. and say mean things about yourself. and hate the way you look. He wants you to absolutely hate everything that God created you to be because he hates our Savior. He hates the guy who died on the cross for us. Let me just say this. Satan you can stay in hell, far far away from us.
let me also say this.
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE LORD.
YOU ARE A DAUGHTER / SON OF THE KING.
YOU ARE CREATED FOR A PURPOSE.
YOU ARE A WONDERFUL FIRECRACKER OF HOPE.
YOU ARE BELOVED.
YOU ARE FORGIVEN.
YOU HAVE BEEN FREELY GIVEN POWER IN THE NAME OF JESUS TO OVERCOME. IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!!!!!!!
What I’ve come to realize over the past year of my life is that loving yourself and your body comes from a deep partnership with the Lord. It comes from knowing who you are and your identity with the God that created you.
The Lord speaks to me a lot through white butterflies. They’ve held a special place in my relationship with the Lord for about a year now, and in Swaziland they were a huge turning point in my journey with Jesus. The Lord so kindly used these cute and tiny creatures that sweetly fly around to teach more of His character and my creation in Him.
Butterflies typically don’t live very long. But God created them to be SO PRETTY for their short little life. Why would He not create His precious child as special and intricately as He does a butterfly?
There are no words that could captivate the beauty the Lord sees in you. We don’t have the capacity to understand the detail and creativity that went into the BEAUTIFUL creation that you are.
I know, and I’m speaking from experience, that blogs like this one will fly over your head until you’ve asked the Lord into your heart. until you’ve asked Jesus to knit you back together. We just don’t have the understanding of knowing how much the Lord loves us until we’ve invited Him to do this journey with us. and even then we won’t fully understand until we reach heaven. Jesus is such a gentleman that He will wait until you’re ready and have asked Him for help and let Him know you can’t do it alone. Jesus wants to heal you. He wants to tenderly bind up the wounds that you’ve bandaged for so long. He wants to carry the baggage that you’ve carried with you for years and years.
If you don’t know where to start, just ask the Lord. See what journey He wants to take you on. Watch as He restores or awakens your identity in Him!!!!!
I don’t have this down to a science. I only have my experiences to speak from, but I would love to talk with you if you need it. I would be honored to pray with you and walk with you if that’s what you need. I’ll sit there while you talk or be a shoulder or a hug if you just need to cry.
Heavenly Father, I lift up those who are struggling to find who they are. I pray that you would bandage and heal the wounds my dear friends have been carrying. Lord, bring them to their knees as they begin to let you in. Show them your character & send them their own kind of butterflies. Wipe the tears away as they sit with you and bask in your presence. In the name of Jesus make the enemy’s lies FLEE!! Let the lies be replaced with sweet, sweet truth. Let your Holy Spirit guide conversations and interactions to show more of your glory, Jesus. Thank you, Lord, for giving me the words and courage to share. We love you!! Amen((:
Amen sister!!
Xoxoxo
DT
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I don’t know what happened!! Those were hearts!!!
O Kate. What a precious blog. I admire you. I know this had to be so difficult to write. Openly pouring out our feelings is one of the hardest things to do. I love you just as you are, just as Jesus loves you. Keep enjoying all those beautiful butterflies. Aunt Dorothy
O Kate. What a precious blog. I admire you. I know this had to be so difficult to write. Openly pouring out our feelings is one of the hardest things to do. I love you just as you are, just as Jesus loves you. Keep enjoying all those beautiful butterflies. Aunt Dorothy
Love this genuine, heartfelt, encouraging post! Such an exquisite prayer! Thank you- thank you—thank you for sharing:)
Kate
Thank you for sharing your heart, your insights and the strength and truth revealed by your Father. You will be an inspiration for many; you are not alone in your struggles, but sadly many don’t have those truths to replace the lies Satan wants us to believe. Keep sharing! You are beautiful!!
you ’bout made me cry girl life is a lot’a things but right and fair don’t always play the part we wish for…..i might worry about another but not you. your strength of will is obvious and I don’t see you taking a backseat to anyone. head high and smiling is how your friends see you and it’s how you should see yourself.
Thanks Kate for sharing. Someday we will all be perfect. I won’t be old and wrinkly, you won’t be young and feeling unsure of yourself. We will be like Jesus and see Him as He is. We will be changed and perfect in every way. John 14 and Revelation 21.
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. Your experience and thoughts and struggles are shared by so so many! It is absolutely the work of the devil! Keep learning and growing and loving yourself, including your body! God designed you to be uniquely YOU!
what an honor it is to see freedom spur on freedom in you and pour out onto others!!! i’m so proud of who you are katea. I love you so much
I could not be prouder of you, my beautiful girl! God sure did make you perfectly in His image! Keep speaking His truth – we ALL need to hear it, including your mama! Love you so much! Mom
Love this so much! I’m sure it’s still a long journey mentally but you’re WINNING! I’ve only know you as a gorgeous, happy girl! So bold to conquer this lie and trust God’s creation! ??
wow this was beautiful written by such a beautiful women. Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for letting the Lord shine light into places that you feel are dark. He’s working through you, I can see it:) love you sista
kate!! this is so beautifully put, thank you for sharing it with the world. i love you!
this is so beautiful. I’m so proud of u); love u katieee
Dear Kate, Thank you for the beautiful words you sent . I myself have done that for as long as I remember, one instant I remember is when I was younger I worked serving people and when I took the order from these three men that I waited on I overheard them say she is a pretty woman but it is a shame she is so fat. I am very protective of myself from hearing things like that now. I also was hating my body up till now. I have literally gone down to one meal a day nd did not do nothing but hurt my health. Your words now have helped me realize what I was doing to my self and people around me. Thank you and God bless,
May the lord be with you, Barbara
you’re so beautiful inside & out girly! this was so encouraging, & i’m so proud of you & your constant growth with our savior!!
I think I have told you this before but I want to say it again – it is a delight to see you walk in boldness! The enemy would love to keep you silent in your insecurities but he has lost his hold on you. Keep speaking and walking in truth. You are a beautiful daughter of the King of kings! Love you!
Kate, you’ve been on my radar screen for awhile now. It’s been such a pleasure to see you grow into the lovely, caring, adventurous young lady that you are today. Your courage in diving into “The Race” is extraordinary –so many unknown unknowns. All of that adventure and then toss a pandemic into the mix! Your love for Jesus is contagious. I look at what you have accomplished and I say, “Maybe I could have done that.” But I didn’t. Who knows what might have been? Your strength was in crossing out the “maybe”. Hang in there. You’re going to be OK. No, you’re going to be MORE than OK. Before you get a big head about all this, remember, you have some pretty great parents. And sometimes that helps. (Just had to get that in.)
Thanks for sharing Kate. Love you inside and out. God knows. God is perfect. He perfectly created you and me and all his precious children. Hugs and keep sharing the truth.
God created you special, young lady. That’s for sure! And your parents didn’t do such a bad job either! I haven’t even met you, but your beautiful mother has posted so many things about you that I feel I have. Plus, you have so many wonderful attributes from your parents that I can’t image you being anything other than a gift from God. Hold your head up high and continue to brighten the lives of others. You make a difference! 🙂
incredible kate! the Lord is doing such a beautiful work in you. thank you for being vulnerable and thank you for sharing. you are bold. you are courageous. and so so beautiful. the enemy never stood a chance 🙂 proud of you.
didn’t know i needed to here this today… spoke to my soul!!! you’re precious and beautiful inside and out! love you and miss you kate??
I came to your website to read more about your trip, and received encouragement and reassurance. You spoke powerful truth of which I need reminding. Today was a good day for me to read it. Thank you.Those who observe you in action would be drawn toward Christ by his character that you are reflecting.