the number on the scale

After wanting to write this blog for about two months, I’ve finally come to the realization that I don’t have to have it all together to share my story. 

My weight has always been my BIGGEST insecurity. I’m talking insecure to the point where I didn’t wear shorts for three years of my life because I didn’t want people to see the stretch marks on my legs. I didn’t want to jump or run in front of other people in case they saw my thighs jiggle. I would only wear loose fitting clothes so that nothing would cling to my stomach. No tank tops so no one could see how big my arms looked by my side. No light colors or people might see your armpit sweat. No full length mirrors. No pictures with my legs in them. I would wear leggings 90% of the time because I felt like they were the only thing that made everything look sucked in & snatched. 

I couldn’t tell you the last time I stepped on a scale because I don’t want that number lingering in the back of my mind. 

I was petrified to do anything out of fear of judgement. I remember one time in fifth grade a group of boys were laughing and looking in my general direction. I immediately assumed they were laughing at me and convinced myself it was because of the way I looked. Looking back on it now, I know it wasn’t at me. I know the enemy was twisting the situation to bring on the self hate. A more recent situation happened at the very beginning of the race when someone made a comment about not wanting bigger people in their hammock. Little comments like these have, still do, and honestly probably will continue to have way bigger of an impact on me than they should. 

Like most people I’ve pulled at the rolls on my stomach. Imagined what I would look like with a third of my thighs. Wishing the rest of my body was as small as my ankles were. Contemplated what I would look like if I simply just didn’t eat for a few days. As much as you can tell yourself it’s silly to fantasize about how you could have been created differently, we still do it. I still do it. I’ve cried myself to sleep before because I didn’t have a thigh gap after coming home from a sleepover with my friends who were comparing theirs. I’ve been called fat. on multiple occasions. I’ve been terrified to go zip lining because I didn’t want to step on a scale. or go down a slide because it might break. or sit on a chair in swaziland because it might do the splits underneath my weight. it hurts my heart to say these things are absolutely true. I know it hurts my heavenly dad’s heart that I think these things about myself. or that His other children would use hurtful words to tear down His creation. 

I always used to wonder, and still do sometimes, why God created me to be three sizes larger than the average girl. Why me? Why’d you have to choose me? I thought, I’m not beautiful because of my size. How can you say I’m created in your image when I don’t look like everyone else? 

The second month of my race I was really struggling with my weight and my identity because of that. During one of my team’s devotionals the question, “what is a lie you’re believing or have believed about yourself?” came up. I didn’t want to share. No part of me wanted to admit that my weight was something I was still struggling with. Seriously, Kate, you’re a missionary and you don’t even like yourself. You can’t even call yourself beautiful. Those lies kept running through my mind as I fought to share. My team could obviously tell that I was struggling and graciously gave me all the time I needed. Tears poured from my face as I admitted the way that I was feeling. 

These are LIES. Let me just say it again. THESE ARE LIES FROM THE ENEMY. 

He doesn’t want you to be comfortable in your skin. He wants you to pull and grab your skin. and say mean things about yourself. and hate the way you look. He wants you to absolutely hate everything that God created you to be because he hates our Savior. He hates the guy who died on the cross for us. Let me just say this. Satan you can stay in hell, far far away from us. 

let me also say this. 

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. 

YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE LORD. 

YOU ARE A DAUGHTER / SON OF THE KING. 

YOU ARE CREATED FOR A PURPOSE. 

YOU ARE A WONDERFUL FIRECRACKER OF HOPE. 

YOU ARE BELOVED. 

YOU ARE FORGIVEN. 

YOU HAVE BEEN FREELY GIVEN POWER IN THE NAME OF JESUS TO OVERCOME. IN THE NAME OF JESUS!!!!!!!!!

What I’ve come to realize over the past year of my life is that loving yourself and your body comes from a deep partnership with the Lord. It comes from knowing who you are and your identity with the God that created you. 

The Lord speaks to me a lot through white butterflies. They’ve held a special place in my relationship with the Lord for about a year now, and in Swaziland they were a huge turning point in my journey with Jesus. The Lord so kindly used these cute and tiny creatures that sweetly fly around to teach more of His character and my creation in Him. 

Butterflies typically don’t live very long. But God created them to be SO PRETTY for their short little life. Why would He not create His precious child as special and intricately as He does a butterfly?

There are no words that could captivate the beauty the Lord sees in you. We don’t have the capacity to understand the detail and creativity that went into the BEAUTIFUL creation that you are. 

I know, and I’m speaking from experience, that blogs like this one will fly over your head until you’ve asked the Lord into your heart. until you’ve asked Jesus to knit you back together. We just don’t have the understanding of knowing how much the Lord loves us until we’ve invited Him to do this journey with us. and even then we won’t fully understand until we reach heaven. Jesus is such a gentleman that He will wait until you’re ready and have asked Him for help and let Him know you can’t do it alone. Jesus wants to heal you. He wants to tenderly bind up the wounds that you’ve bandaged for so long. He wants to carry the baggage that you’ve carried with you for years and years. 

If you don’t know where to start, just ask the Lord. See what journey He wants to take you on. Watch as He restores or awakens your identity in Him!!!!!

I don’t have this down to a science. I only have my experiences to speak from, but I would love to talk with you if you need it. I would be honored to pray with you and walk with you if that’s what you need. I’ll sit there while you talk or be a shoulder or a hug if you just need to cry. 

Heavenly Father, I lift up those who are struggling to find who they are. I pray that you would bandage and heal the wounds my dear friends have been carrying. Lord, bring them to their knees as they begin to let you in. Show them your character & send them their own kind of butterflies. Wipe the tears away as they sit with you and bask in your presence. In the name of Jesus make the enemy’s lies FLEE!! Let the lies be replaced with sweet, sweet truth. Let your Holy Spirit guide conversations and interactions to show more of your glory, Jesus. Thank you, Lord, for giving me the words and courage to share. We love you!! Amen((: